Happy Naps

Today was one of the few days that both twins have had good, substantial naps today. They had a good 2 hours this morning and a good 1 1/2 to 2 hours this afternoon.

((((sigh))))

It's so nice when they are not whining from their lack of sleep. That said, I think my daughter needs to better understand that no one is making her roll over. If she doesn't want to roll over, she doesn't have to! Rolling over and landing on her belly apparently pisses her off to no end. No one has any expectations of her rolling, yet she continues to roll and blame us for it. Can't wait until puberty!!

We've also decided to delay our move into the new house. I need to tell my mom and dad who are helping us move, and if they are reading this before I talk to them--we're delaying the move. There are issues with letting the floor completely cure before we move in and it would just be a good idea to wait a few more days.

Oh, yes. Now I remember what I wanted to blog about this morning. This idea probably came to me about the time I was getting dressed. Yes, my post twin pregnancy body. Honestly, I can get back into most of the clothes I was wearing before I got pg last year, but nothing fits the same.

First, and most shockingly to me, I really miss my A-cup boobs. As Dave pointed out with wide eyes and up and down hand motions upon seeing an old picture of me, I was "flat, flat, FLAT as a board! There was nothin' there!!" This cannot be said about me now and I cannot tell you how surprised I am to miss my former flat-as-a-board like figure. Clothes fit better and it's easier to run around.

Second, my belly is huge. In fact, I think I might have diastasis recti, or basically my stomach muscles have stretched too far apart. Besides the lovely pot belly that I can't get rid of despite being at a decent weight, my back and shoulders are all tweaked and I'm in pain most of the time. I'm hoping the doctor will provide some advice if I really have it. But truly, my body shows the what I've done with my life the last couple of years. And it's ruined my chances of ever being a Victoria Secret model. Just saying.

Dadgum it!

I hate when I realize that I totally didn't blog about what I meant to blog about.

I was dashing off that last entry before class and what I had actually been thinking about all morning, was WOW!  Thank you for all your support on our "We're Pregnant" post yesterday.  I was so excited to hear from a few folks that I haven't heard from in a while!  I'm so glad to see you're still here!!

I'm actually looking forward to posting more often in the near future, perhaps as we deal with the possibility that I've got two buns in this oven.  But in any case, I wanted to say that your comments made me feel really good yesterday.  Thanks!!

14 dpo

I guess officially, this is 9dp5dt.  But I've already converted it in my head from retrieval and transfer to ovulation.  If yesterday's HPT was dark with the line saying, "You're pregnant", today's line was all "I saiiid you were pregnant."  It is so much darker than control line is amazing.  I only had this happen once and it was 3 days further along.  Since HCG is doubling at a rate less than 48 hours right now, I can only imagine what tomorrow's blood test is going to be.

Even if I hadn't tested, I would suspect something was up.  I nearly yakked last night when I hopped out of  bed to go to the bathroom.  There will be no more hopping out of bed in the near future.  Food is also an odd thing:  I'm hungry but can be easily repulsed by the most innocent of foods.  

And then we have the boobs.  I used to have very small boobs.  But 3 1/2 years of breastfeeding (and a couple of extra pounds) truly changed that.  Now, however, they are both sore and enornmous.  It hurts to lie on my stomach and it's frightening to see me in some regular shirts. When I told my students that I was going to California for a medical leave, I assured them I wasn't dying.  Then I added, I'm also not going to California for cosmetic surgery.  I'm not sure they would believe me right now.

We're So Excited!!!

We are so psyched over here in the Mother Thing household.  After waiting for years and years, we've finally got what we want!!  It's pretty much all we've been talking about and I think we're still pinching ourselves to believe it's true.

What?  Do you think I'm talking about the election?  Well, although we are pretty psyched about Obama's win and Dave has called me" obsessed," no, this is much better and more Mother Thing specific news:

We're PREGNANT!!!

And honestly, according to the progressively dark line on the four tests I've taken in the last four days, we're apparently Very Pregnant.  I'm 8dp5dpt (13 dpo) and the test line this morning on the FRER is darker than the control line.  The last time that happened, my HCG/Beta count at 16 or 17 dpo was over 800.  (I'm voting that the control line is closer to 600 units).  In any case, that's a really dark line for 13 dpo.  

I don't go in for the bloodwork for 2 more days, but we thought we'd go ahead and share our excitement about the good news:  both the pregnancy and the election!!!

Betabase

What is up with Betabase.info? It's the best site to obsess over beta numbers and it's been down since Friday. The only thing I've been able to find is this, the google cached version of the main page. If anybody has any information, please leave a comment.

I'm Still Here

Yes, I've taken a bit of time off.

The surgery went.....fine?.......Well? How about let's just say, it's done. The main positive thing is that the psycho anaesthesiologist was not there. Thus, I did not have to contend with some over-involved doctor slipping me a Valium mickey before the surgery and baby feet afterwards. Indeed, I told everyone that I was concerned about the effects of the drugs, and this surgery's anaesthesiologist and his nurse gave me much less. Apparently, I am very sensitive to sedatives and it only takes one step beyond waving the drug over my head and I pass out. Also, I now know I have miniscule veins and they have to turn the IV to the lowest setting or my veins will have incredibly painful spasms.

I could honestly live without knowing either of those bits of information.

I would much rather have the baby who was supposed to turn 1 year old this July. OR the baby who should be about 6 weeks old right now. OR the baby who was still supposed to be growing in my belly right now and due right around Thanksgiving.

Any one of those babies would have been just fine. All three of them would have been a challenge, and darn near physically impossible, but happily welcomed.

As it is, I am not doing well.

Despite the sensitivity to sedatives and small veins, I am generally considered a strong woman. Nonetheless, right now, I am weepy and angry and short of temper. I can cry at any point without any obvious external provocation. (Although if you heard my internal thoughts, it would make perfect sense) I know I'm going to be fine; I always am. However, I'm not enjoying the process right now.

I'm just really pissed off that everything was supposed to be going well, and I do not have a baby any more.

Fine. I'll stop being pissed off at some point. I hope this summer I can heal a bit and I hope even more that I get pregnant with an incredibly healthy, normal, kicking and screaming baby as soon as we can try again.

Conor and I are actually with Dave right now at a conference in Asheville at the Grove Park Inn. It's a wonderful place and I'm glad we're here. The amenities are entirely too expensive, so although I'd love a day of pampering so I don't entirely hate my body as much as I do right now, we can't afford it. (It's $55 just to walk into the spa and not even have any treatments done) Nonetheless, it's beautiful here and I'm enjoying a bit of an escape.

I just really wish I didn't have anything I felt like I had to escape from.

Bleah

Tomorrow is the D&E.

I'm not really looking forward to it (who would?!). It's also freaking me out how big the baby is. I cannot imagine what it must be like for women further along to miscarry or have a still birth. This sucks, but there is always more suck for someone else.

I got the results of the first trimester screen yesterday (I did not return their bright-and-early message on Monday morning). However, they called again yesterday and I really just wanted to get it over with. The results were relatively good. The Down's probability went from 1:34 due to my age alone to 1:170--it's still considered "at risk" but I would not have pursued it. Additionally, my Trisomy 18 probability went down to 1:6900. (No, that's not a typo) I'm going to go out on a limb and say that the baby didn't die due to a Trisomy 18 problem.

I think there was a heart defect. Maybe it came from the fever I had early in this pregnancy. Maybe it was just some sort of bad luck in the baby's genes. Maybe it just sucks.

Conor has been incredible during this time. He has been very excited about the baby in Mommy's belly and liked to talk to it and kiss my belly. I told him that the baby was sick and going to go live with Duncan (and Baby Jesus.....don't judge me! That's how we had to explain why Simba went to live with Grandma and Grandaddy, but Duncan went to live somewhere else). Anyhoo, Conor got what that meant (the baby wasn't going to live with us) and said a long "Ohhhhhhh." I told him I was sad too and he assured me that he wasn't sad. But since then, he often comes up to me to hug me and say "I make you feel better." And of course, he does.

I'm still angry, but less so and less often. A friend from my local TTC group describes the feeling as a stranger coming up to you and slapping you. It's the absolute truth. The shock, the indignation, the anger at being singled out to be hurt, it's all there in a stranger slapping me.

Now if I could find that b*tch and slap her back, I'd feel a lot better. ;-)

I am Full of Potato Salad

After weeks (and weeks and weeks) of some serious morning sickness, nausea and generally crappy feelings, my appetite is back. And hearing the heart beat, I'm not worried that it's due to some really bad reasons. Instead, I think I have turned a corner. And come smack dab into the middle of a food laden kitchen.

I just had lunch with colleagues as an end of the year celebration, and I hate three, count 'em *3*, helpings of highly mustard-y potato salad.

I am now full.

I'm also wearing maternity clothes for the first time today. I don't really need them because I'm not so stuffed in my clothing that I need that sort of expansion. But my belly is poking out and these clothes actually hide it a bit with the high-waisted could-be-in- style-but-she-looks-fat versus I-think-that's-a-maternity-top. Trust me, I'm looking fat, not pg right now.

Hmmmm. I wonder if the potato salad had anything to do with it?

I don't really care. I'm just glad not to be repulsed by every single morsel of food I see right now. Let that belly fill with tater salad!

What a Difference a Day Makes

Actually, two days.

This morning, before I started working, I hopped on the bed with the Doppler Monitor (which sounds a lot kinkier than it really is) to see if I could find the baby's heartbeat again. Within minutes, I heard it strong, clear and fast. I couldn't count it because I didn't have a watch. But I could tell it was a lot faster than mine.

Tonight, when Dave came home, I was able to find it again, pretty easily. And together we counted up that the heartbeat was between 168 and 180.

Do you have any idea how relieved I am and how reassurng that heartbeat is? I didn't have any idea how anxious I was until I could let myself feel relieved by that sound. I don't plan on using it every night to check the baby's heartbeat. But after two miscarriages, the sound of that clicky-clicky-clicky-clicky is one of most relaxing quick paced sounds I've ever heard.

On to the Anita School of Parenting

Daddy: Conor, put on your clothes. You can't go to school in your pajamas.
Conor: Nooooooooooooooooooooo.
Mommy (opting per usual for the easy way out): Let him wear his pajamas.
Daddy: He needs to at least wear his jeans. He can wear his pajama top.
Mommy: He should wear his pajamas to school. If all the other kids laugh at him, he won't want to wear his pajamas to school again. (I have no doubt I picked up that advice from John Rosemond, and I'm sure you know I'm not his biggest fan)
Daddy (looking at Mommy and counting up the dollars spent on counseling for their poor son later): He's going to wear his jeans.

Yeah. Thank God(dess) Conor has Dave in his life. Otherwise, it's possible he'd how up at school buck naked if that's the fight we were having.

Weeds and Beats

I agree with Barbie2B's comment yesterday that weeding can be so addictive. As both my neighbor and I headed out of the house last weekend, we agreed that mindless work with instant gratification is a very fun chore indeed.

As for the asparagus, yes, an asparagus bed lasts for about 20 years. You plant it one year. Let it grow untouched the next. And then starting the 3rd year, you have fresh, young, tender asparagus shooting out the ground out at you. I never knew asparagus was this sweet. Also, once the crop has ended, you get pretty asparagus ferns for the rest of the summer which make a nice border around a house or some such thing.

And in more baby relevant news, the fetal heart monitor arrived a day early and OF COURSE, I ripped open the box and lay down flat to hear what I could hear. Which first scared me. I could easily pick up a heartbeat, but it was very slow---only 100 bpm. This is not a good heartbeat of a fetus at this age.

Then I realized it was my own fool heart beat in my stomach. (This was verified by the sample sounds on one of the fetal monitor sites I found).

Still, I couldn't find the baby's. Yes, Ema wrote at exactly the moment that I was starting to search that it is still early to hear a heart beat at 9 weeks 5 days. And even more so, with my tilted uterus, it's going to take longer than it ought to anyway.

HOWEVER, after dinner and with a full bladder and about 20 minutes of searching, I did hear something. I only heard it for a few seconds and I lost it when I shouted to Dave that I had found it. But it wasn't my heartbeat and it wasn't my tummy gurgling. It was a very fast but soft clapping. And I really do believe it was the little peanut inside waving.

I couldn't find it again, but I think it's still too early. But I did hear something and it's hard to make up a sound like that.

((((((sigh)))))))))

Smelly Belly Full of Jelly

Actually, I am planning on talking about my belly and not the nickname I give my son's belly right before I start kissing, snorting, and eating on it.

I am 9 weeks 5 days today, and I have a belly. Honestly, I've had a belly for a while with the extra weight I've been carrying around, but since the stomach flu/sinus infection debacle I'd actually lost about 10 lbs and only gained back 3 or 4. So this belly is not the usually belly I've been trying to camouflage in my clothes. I know it's way too early, but I've had this same belly before particularly during the first miscarriage, which I could link to, but it's too depressing.

For the most part, I'm not freaking out over this pregnancy. I have my moments, but then I meditate and honestly believe that everything is going to be an A-OK, normal, healthy pregnancy. Of course, I cannot help but add, I really do hope so.

Folks, I know I have been letting you down on the ol' blog front. I've been wanting to talk about our adorable son and our (quite literal) hand signals for communicating while he's nursing. (Raise your hand if you had a good nights sleep. Raise your hand if you had dreams. Raise your hand if you want a bagel. Raise your hand if Daddy can eat your toe sausages!!!!!) Yes, a small toddler hand goes up at nearly every one of those commands.

I've wanted to talk about our 250 year old willow oak that was eaten bald by canker worms and we're really concerned if it's going to make it. We just hired a tree guy to fertilize it and we really hope it will live. (We didn't put enough goop on the tree band to stop the worms....an easy mistake when an army of worms were going after it).

I want to talk about the amazing asparagus that we're harvesting this year after planting it two years ago and to encourage every single one of you to start your own asparagus bed this year.

I want to talk about my old lady self and how after weeding this weekend, I can still stand up on my sore legs and waddle around the hall. It's PATHETIC how much pain I'm in from weeding.

I've wanted to make every one of those stories witty and clever and highly entertaining. But I am TOO DAMN BUSY. School is out in a few weeks and GOOD LORD it is not soon enough. I am being slapped silly by papers and research and meetings and just every freakin' thing.

So, there. Now you know. And tomorrow my fetal heart rate monitor that I've rented should arrive in the mail and I can have a little bit of relief my hearing this little one's heart when I go to bed at night.

I hope not to take another week before I blog again.

I'm Pregnant

I'm sure you're thinking...."Wait....didn't she already talk about this a couple of weeks ago? Did I miss something in the last few weeks of the measly posting she's been doing??"

Well, for the first time since I got a positive HPT, I am finally convinced that I am pregnant.

Yesterday was my first meeting with the OB nurse, the promotion from Gyn to OB as it were. And the whole time during our meeting when she was talking about this or that, I kept thinking "Well, I could be pregnant, but based on my history, we don't really know for sure."

So when she set up the meeting for my first trimester screening, I mentioned that I thought it would be a good idea if I had another ultrasound to check that there was any reason for me to go to the screening. I know that all the news has been very good thus far, but I had been lead to believe that the news was positive before, too, and it wasn't.

So she scheduled another ultrasound for the afternoon.

And 1 week and 1 day after my last ultrasound, the baby has grown exactly one week and one day. And the heart rate? 170! I was measuring 8 weeks 0 days with a 170 heart rate. At this point, the research I've seen shows that a heart rate over 146 has a 3% miscarriage rate. At 170, I just feel like that's a really good number. I believe, finally, that I am pregnant.

And yes, I did start crying on the table when she told me the heart rate. I was so relieved that everything looks normal. Of course, there could be some abnormalities in the screening, but I don't think so. I think everything is fine and normal. I could be wrong, but I don't think so.

3% is a magic number for me. I use it all the time in teaching about statistics to tell my students that it's the same probability as getting pregnant using birthcontrol pills. So it could happen, but it's unlikely. So having a 3% chance of miscarriage right now is very reassuring to me.

I'm pregnant. And I finally believe it.

In other news, we are slowly adjusting to life without Duncan. Surprisingly, the household member who is taking this the worst is Scarlett, aka Psycho Kitty. She and Duncan spent a lot of time napping together and Duncan was always licking her head (and her butt, but that's another story). When we come home from work now, she's like a little tribble flying across the room to latch on to our heads. Nights are filled with plaintive mews for us to pet her and snuggle with her. I try, but it's a bit annoying. (She has a whiny meow). I gave up long ago the right to any privacy when I go to the bathroom. But now she views me as a captive audience when I go a toilette and fairly assaults me with headbutts, meows and purrs while I'm trying to go about my business.

In all honesty, this is the first time in Scarlett's 14 1/2 years that she has not had a cat companion. And since Patches regards her beyond all cats as an indoor squirrel, he's not going to fill that void in her life. She always wanted to be #1 Kitty, but I don't think she ever meant to be the only cat in the house.

Good News

We were at a wedding over the weekend and the theme/icon for the wedding was a big, full tree. Since 1) it looked like the tree in my meditations and 2) we were going to have the ultrasound when we came back, I took it as a good sign. I now even have a pretty nice tote bag with this tree on it.

So, the ultrasound was yesterday and the results were good. There is only one in there, which I have to say suprises me (!), but I think that will make life a lot easier! Second, they could see the fetus/embryo through a regular ultrasound and the heartrate was 136. We did end up going up the coochie to get a more accurate measure, but pretty much I was excited we could see the baby and hear the heartbeat from a regular ultrasound. The heart beat at this stage puts us at a 9% miscarriage rate.

I'm not sure exactly when I ovulated--I know the positive OPK but I'm not sure if I ovulated the next day or the next. So based on those estimates, my measurements should either be 7w0d or 6w6d. I ended up measuring 6w6d which I hope is ok. If it is measuring accurately and the heartbeat goes up the average 8 beats per day, then very soon, I should be in a 5% miscarriage rate.

Things look good! I know that and I'm glad and not overly worried in that punch-to-the-gut feeling. However....

Have you had your heart broken before? In that next relationships, aren't you a little bit more cautious even if things are going fantastic? Don't you really want the proof of time before you start daydreaming about a future together? Before you start counting on having a date to the company picnic or even thinking that you can count on someone being there to watch the Sci Fi Marathons with you on Friday nights? (Maybe that was just Dave and me.....)

In any case, I'm glad the news is good and I'm relieved. But I'm not esctatic nor am I 100% positive that everything is going to be ok. (Can I get an amen from any other women who've had a miscarriage before?) I know intellectually that this is really good news. I do, folks! I'm not being a spoil sport. But a 9% miscarriage rate is still not a 0% miscarriage rate, even though it's much, MUCH better than the 75% or the 100% miscarriage rates we had on the last 2 pregnancies. (OK, if I look at it like that, I feel that we are definitely in a much better place)

It's just hard to be naive and gushy with this new relationship when your heart has been broken before. That's all I'm saying. This is a good start to a long term person in my life, but I have to wait just a little bit more and get a few more data points before my heart is completely open to loving this little peanut with everything I've got.

Insomnia and Reassurance

This is a familiar experience: I can't get to sleep and I'm pg. Usually, I can doze off and then wake up between 2:30 to 3:30 and stay awake for another hour or so, but tonight, I'm starting the insomnia early! My sinus infection is really hurting, too, so that's not helping. But I'm hoping this will tire me out enough that I can sleep. Or at least get to bed before Conor arrives.

I sought some reassurance today about the fever. I do like that I've found journal articles, but I needed a human to talk to. So I called my doctor and I called OTIS, the Organization of Teratology Information Specialists. Teratology is the study of the effects of drugs, medicines and other exposures on fetuses. Through a google search, I found a handout of their's on 101 fevers and it had a number on top to talk to a local counselor. While I was waiting for the doctor to call back, I called OTIS.

First, the doctor's news: they are not worried at all over the fever and do not anticipate any problems. I, of course, blubbered upon hearing this, and felt much relieved. They worry when the fever hits 104 and he said he thought a 101 fever is very common. He was actually very, very kind and supportive. Which made me cry all the more. They know I've had two miscarriages and they are thoughtful at this practice.

The OTIC counselor was not quite as "everything is ok", but she was as close as she could get. She said that really, it's over 102 and it's for a much longer time and even if I doubled my risk (which is what the fever does) it would go from 1 in 800 to 2 in 800, again not that big of risk. And also, because I'm taking the extra folic acid, which cuts neural problems by 70% that even if I did fall in the worst case scenario (which I didn't), it wouldn't even put me at a 1 in 800 risk. I was still well below the population average.

Whewwwwwwwwwww.

So all in all, good news. The counselor did recommend that during my ultrasound I have them look especially at the stomach and heart, but she said that was for my own reassurance, not that she thought anything would be wrong.

Sometimes, it's nice to call and get reassurance on life's little blibs.

A few more squirts of saline up my nose and I'm going to try to go to sleep again.

Yet I Still Think Everything is Going to Be OK

I was sick over this weekend: I had a fever.

In case you are wondering, it is not good to have a fever this early in the pregnancy. Phrases like "neural tube defects" keep popping up at an alarming rate. Nonetheless, I think everything is going to be ok.

First, my fever was less than 102 F. That's apparently the cut-off for "bad things could happen." At its worst, my temperature was hovering around 101.4 for about 12 hours. That is not good. But in some of the medical research I saw, the bad fevers are over 102 and last for at least 24 hours. I'm in the middle group: the not bad fever group, but also not in the no fever group. In this study, the middle group was not statistically different than the no fever group as far as medical outcomes go.

I also found a much, much, much more reassuring study looking at the interaction between early maternal fever and vitamin use. In this study, no vitamins/no fever was the control group. For women who did not take vitamins and did have a fever, the risks that someone could go wrong were pretty high compared to the control group. But for the group who did take vitamins and developed a fever, they did BETTER than the control group on nearly every single outcome. Thus, prenatal vitamins serve as a buffer to the damaging effects of the fever. Considering I have been on pre-nates for 3 years now and have been taking an extra shot of folic acid for the last 8 months, I think I should benefit from this buffer.

Nonetheless, we are in a slightly raised risk because of the fever. Last night, the ob nurse thought the fever was significant enough that she called in a prescription for antibiotics; the fever is coming from a sinus infection.

I feel completely out of it today, due in large part to taking my temperature every hour last night to see how good/bad it was.

But I do think it's going to be ok. I'm trusting my gut on this. With the last 2 m/cs, I was seriously worried when no one else believed that something was wrong. Now, I believe everything is going to be ok.

But I'd really like to catch up on my sleep. Let's hope this fever stays away so I can sleep tonight.

An Unusual Place

I'm in an unusual place with this pregnancy: things are going very well.

Yes, I do know that it's very early and we haven't seen the heartbeat. But those betas are really high and the doubling rate was perfectly normal. But, apart the doubling rate, absolute hcgs aren't supposed to mean anything, right?

Wrong.

The general Internets are wrong about this one. After spending a day cyberloafing, umm, googling for what I could find out about hcgs at 14 and 16 dpo, it suddenly hit me that I could googlescholar this info and access the medical journals for what they had to say. (I must admit the idea came from a comment I read on Hippogriffs from a couple of years ago)

Besides newly pregnant women who are obsessed with their HCGs, apparently doctors are quite interested, too. And yay for me, most of the tests that they've done are on 14 and 16 dpo.

The good news? According to Horman et al from a 2000 study in Fertility and Sterility, when an hCG comes back over 500 on 16 dpo, the miscarriage rate by 20 weeks drops to less than 5%. That's right. Instead of the usual, 20-25% miscarriage rate they give you, with hCG over 500, you are in a whole new range of goodness. Although age plays a minor factor (the older you are, the higher the hCG needs to be to in the good place), they still aruge that absolute beta values are related to viability of the pregnancy. Since our score was 876, I thinking we are in a good place. And selfishly back to me, even if I miscalculated our dpos, and we were 15 and 17 instead of 14 and 16, by guesstimating , we still would be well over 600 on 16 dpo.

I like them there odds!!!

As for twins, ummmm, yes, actually, you CAN make a prediction about twins based on hCG. According to the another study that I forgot to save, if a woman's hCG is over 600 at 14 dpo, there is a very high chance that it's twins, ummm, like approaching 100%. Since ours was only 348, we are not there.

However, according to another research study by Zayed et al in the 2001 Archives of Gynecology and Obstetrics (I'm not sure that's the right name of the journal!), when either the 14 or 16 dpo HCG is over 500, the odds of having twins are about 50-50. Over 700 and you're approaching 100% chance of twins. However, I criticize this study for having a low number of participants. Nonethelss, according to what I can see in Betabase.info, we're probably around 50-50 chance for twins based on our scores.

So there. The news looks pretty good. We have not seen a heartbeat and won't for two more weeks. But I have to say that things are looking positive for this pregnancy. And even if I messed up counting our dpos, (since one really doesn't know when one has ovulated with the docs looking in), we're still looking good on our numbers.

It's really, really hard to stay positive based on our experience. But I'm giving it my best shot. And if there are two beans in there, we've got more than enough hearts to love them forerver.

Christian Meditation

At the beginning of the year, I started learning Christian Meditation at my church. I can anticipate the reactions of my dear readers in reading that. For quite a few, it’s the “Christian” part that freaks them out. Christianity, especially in the south, can be very dogmatic ways that are quite bothersome. For others, it’s the “meditation” part. I’ve heard that around here, meditation is considered woo-woo, a word I love and reminds me pretty much of most everything people believe about California hippies.

Nonetheless, I started my meditation practice this year and I’m loving it. I really don’t think this meditation practice has the monopoly on the Christian God(dess), but it is a very prayerful as opposed to a secular meditation. I honestly have not done much meditation beyond relaxation exercises and following one’s breath, so I don’t know if all meditation is prayerful and spiritual, but what I’m learning is.

Here’s the part that is freaky: I’ve been getting messages. First, I should change my name to Joan, go to Paris and throw out the English. (HA! Just kidding) I’m actually not meditating about my country’s invasions. Instead, as you can imagine, I’m meditating about getting pregnant.

About a month ago, during the “listening time” of the meditation, I saw an image of a green tree. Now I have no idea, really, whether this was a message from God(dess), but it made me go “Wha???” which tends to be a sign that it’s not coming directly from my own consciousness. So I said, “Ok, whatever”, and I focused on the tree. It became greener and fuller and I found it comforting.

When the meditation was over, I thought, “Are trees like a big deal in infertility and I don’t know about it? Let me check Google! God can work through Google if s/he wants to.” So I googled Tree and Fertility, and after reading several sites about Christmas trees in North Carolina, I found this link to the Sheltering Tree Fertility Support Group and read this passage from Jeremiah 29:11 on their first page:

“For I know the plans I have for you” declares the Lord. “Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”.

Ummm. Yes. I cried.

Two days later, I received a package from my sister-in-law, an editor who works on really cool Hallmark books (look at the book at the end!) in which she included a magazine article related to my work and a magazine article related to miscarriages. It took me a while to make the connection, but the cover photo of the article on miscarriages was of a woman with a stark, leafless tree in her belly. That was not my tree! The tree I saw was green and leafy! Again, I felt comforted by it.

Then about two weeks ago during the listening time of meditation, I saw an image of myself holding an infant and I was in a hospital gown. Since we have a lot of pictures of Conor and me, I checked my hair in this image and it was short. I felt comforted.

(As a psychologist, it’s really hard for me to say THESE ARE MESSAGES FROM GOD!! They could be messages from inside me that I attribute to a higher power. In fact, a lot of things that go one in religious services I interpret from a social psychological standpoint, and it makes me a bit critical in what goes on. So, I don’t really where these images are coming from, but I find them interesting and comforting)

So that is what has happened to me in the last month regarding fertility. I’ve had absolutely no “signs” of pregnancy this month, two months after our HSG, as opposed to last month when I swore I was pg. In fact, this month, I told Dave that AF was coming early and there was just no way I could be pregnant this month.

But if you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you know that means: No sign of pregnancy is the best indicator for me that I actually am pregnant.

That’s right! We’re on the rollercoaster again! Something’s brewing in my belly.

It’s still very, very early, but so far the signs are good. I’ll get the results from the second beta this afternoon.

I have to add, also, that I am SICK as an EFFING dog. I’m talking “real” morning sickness with the yakking and horrible nausea and fatigue like you cannot imagine. Yes, I know that’s a “good sign”. But it sucks. And I’m not even 5 weeks yet.