Tomorrow is the D&E.
I'm not really looking forward to it (who would?!). It's also freaking me out how big the baby is. I cannot imagine what it must be like for women further along to miscarry or have a still birth. This sucks, but there is always more suck for someone else.
I got the results of the first trimester screen yesterday (I did not return their bright-and-early message on Monday morning). However, they called again yesterday and I really just wanted to get it over with. The results were relatively good. The Down's probability went from 1:34 due to my age alone to 1:170--it's still considered "at risk" but I would not have pursued it. Additionally, my Trisomy 18 probability went down to 1:6900. (No, that's not a typo) I'm going to go out on a limb and say that the baby didn't die due to a Trisomy 18 problem.
I think there was a heart defect. Maybe it came from the fever I had early in this pregnancy. Maybe it was just some sort of bad luck in the baby's genes. Maybe it just sucks.
Conor has been incredible during this time. He has been very excited about the baby in Mommy's belly and liked to talk to it and kiss my belly. I told him that the baby was sick and going to go live with Duncan (and Baby Jesus.....don't judge me! That's how we had to explain why Simba went to live with Grandma and Grandaddy, but Duncan went to live somewhere else). Anyhoo, Conor got what that meant (the baby wasn't going to live with us) and said a long "Ohhhhhhh." I told him I was sad too and he assured me that he wasn't sad. But since then, he often comes up to me to hug me and say "I make you feel better." And of course, he does.
I'm still angry, but less so and less often. A friend from my local TTC group describes the feeling as a stranger coming up to you and slapping you. It's the absolute truth. The shock, the indignation, the anger at being singled out to be hurt, it's all there in a stranger slapping me.
Now if I could find that b*tch and slap her back, I'd feel a lot better. ;-)