At the beginning of the year, I started learning Christian Meditation at my church. I can anticipate the reactions of my dear readers in reading that. For quite a few, it’s the “Christian” part that freaks them out. Christianity, especially in the south, can be very dogmatic ways that are quite bothersome. For others, it’s the “meditation” part. I’ve heard that around here, meditation is considered woo-woo, a word I love and reminds me pretty much of most everything people believe about California hippies.
Nonetheless, I started my meditation practice this year and I’m loving it. I really don’t think this meditation practice has the monopoly on the Christian God(dess), but it is a very prayerful as opposed to a secular meditation. I honestly have not done much meditation beyond relaxation exercises and following one’s breath, so I don’t know if all meditation is prayerful and spiritual, but what I’m learning is.
Here’s the part that is freaky: I’ve been getting messages. First, I should change my name to Joan, go to Paris and throw out the English. (HA! Just kidding) I’m actually not meditating about my country’s invasions. Instead, as you can imagine, I’m meditating about getting pregnant.
About a month ago, during the “listening time” of the meditation, I saw an image of a green tree. Now I have no idea, really, whether this was a message from God(dess), but it made me go “Wha???” which tends to be a sign that it’s not coming directly from my own consciousness. So I said, “Ok, whatever”, and I focused on the tree. It became greener and fuller and I found it comforting.
When the meditation was over, I thought, “Are trees like a big deal in infertility and I don’t know about it? Let me check Google! God can work through Google if s/he wants to.” So I googled Tree and Fertility, and after reading several sites about Christmas trees in North Carolina, I found this link to the Sheltering Tree Fertility Support Group and read this passage from Jeremiah 29:11 on their first page:
“For I know the plans I have for you” declares the Lord. “Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”.
Ummm. Yes. I cried.
Two days later, I received a package from my sister-in-law, an editor who works on really cool Hallmark books (look at the book at the end!) in which she included a magazine article related to my work and a magazine article related to miscarriages. It took me a while to make the connection, but the cover photo of the article on miscarriages was of a woman with a stark, leafless tree in her belly. That was not my tree! The tree I saw was green and leafy! Again, I felt comforted by it.
Then about two weeks ago during the listening time of meditation, I saw an image of myself holding an infant and I was in a hospital gown. Since we have a lot of pictures of Conor and me, I checked my hair in this image and it was short. I felt comforted.
(As a psychologist, it’s really hard for me to say THESE ARE MESSAGES FROM GOD!! They could be messages from inside me that I attribute to a higher power. In fact, a lot of things that go one in religious services I interpret from a social psychological standpoint, and it makes me a bit critical in what goes on. So, I don’t really where these images are coming from, but I find them interesting and comforting)
So that is what has happened to me in the last month regarding fertility. I’ve had absolutely no “signs” of pregnancy this month, two months after our HSG, as opposed to last month when I swore I was pg. In fact, this month, I told Dave that AF was coming early and there was just no way I could be pregnant this month.
But if you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you know that means: No sign of pregnancy is the best indicator for me that I actually am pregnant.
That’s right! We’re on the rollercoaster again! Something’s brewing in my belly.
It’s still very, very early, but so far the signs are good. I’ll get the results from the second beta this afternoon.
I have to add, also, that I am SICK as an EFFING dog. I’m talking “real” morning sickness with the yakking and horrible nausea and fatigue like you cannot imagine. Yes, I know that’s a “good sign”. But it sucks. And I’m not even 5 weeks yet.