Yes, I've taken a bit of time off.
The surgery went.....fine?.......Well? How about let's just say, it's done. The main positive thing is that the psycho anaesthesiologist was not there. Thus, I did not have to contend with some over-involved doctor slipping me a Valium mickey before the surgery and baby feet afterwards. Indeed, I told everyone that I was concerned about the effects of the drugs, and this surgery's anaesthesiologist and his nurse gave me much less. Apparently, I am very sensitive to sedatives and it only takes one step beyond waving the drug over my head and I pass out. Also, I now know I have miniscule veins and they have to turn the IV to the lowest setting or my veins will have incredibly painful spasms.
I could honestly live without knowing either of those bits of information.
I would much rather have the baby who was supposed to turn 1 year old this July. OR the baby who should be about 6 weeks old right now. OR the baby who was still supposed to be growing in my belly right now and due right around Thanksgiving.
Any one of those babies would have been just fine. All three of them would have been a challenge, and darn near physically impossible, but happily welcomed.
As it is, I am not doing well.
Despite the sensitivity to sedatives and small veins, I am generally considered a strong woman. Nonetheless, right now, I am weepy and angry and short of temper. I can cry at any point without any obvious external provocation. (Although if you heard my internal thoughts, it would make perfect sense) I know I'm going to be fine; I always am. However, I'm not enjoying the process right now.
I'm just really pissed off that everything was supposed to be going well, and I do not have a baby any more.
Fine. I'll stop being pissed off at some point. I hope this summer I can heal a bit and I hope even more that I get pregnant with an incredibly healthy, normal, kicking and screaming baby as soon as we can try again.
Conor and I are actually with Dave right now at a conference in Asheville at the Grove Park Inn. It's a wonderful place and I'm glad we're here. The amenities are entirely too expensive, so although I'd love a day of pampering so I don't entirely hate my body as much as I do right now, we can't afford it. (It's $55 just to walk into the spa and not even have any treatments done) Nonetheless, it's beautiful here and I'm enjoying a bit of an escape.
I just really wish I didn't have anything I felt like I had to escape from.