Thursday, May 17, 2007

I'm Still Here

Yes, I've taken a bit of time off.

The surgery went.....fine?.......Well? How about let's just say, it's done. The main positive thing is that the psycho anaesthesiologist was not there. Thus, I did not have to contend with some over-involved doctor slipping me a Valium mickey before the surgery and baby feet afterwards. Indeed, I told everyone that I was concerned about the effects of the drugs, and this surgery's anaesthesiologist and his nurse gave me much less. Apparently, I am very sensitive to sedatives and it only takes one step beyond waving the drug over my head and I pass out. Also, I now know I have miniscule veins and they have to turn the IV to the lowest setting or my veins will have incredibly painful spasms.

I could honestly live without knowing either of those bits of information.

I would much rather have the baby who was supposed to turn 1 year old this July. OR the baby who should be about 6 weeks old right now. OR the baby who was still supposed to be growing in my belly right now and due right around Thanksgiving.

Any one of those babies would have been just fine. All three of them would have been a challenge, and darn near physically impossible, but happily welcomed.

As it is, I am not doing well.

Despite the sensitivity to sedatives and small veins, I am generally considered a strong woman. Nonetheless, right now, I am weepy and angry and short of temper. I can cry at any point without any obvious external provocation. (Although if you heard my internal thoughts, it would make perfect sense) I know I'm going to be fine; I always am. However, I'm not enjoying the process right now.

I'm just really pissed off that everything was supposed to be going well, and I do not have a baby any more.

Fine. I'll stop being pissed off at some point. I hope this summer I can heal a bit and I hope even more that I get pregnant with an incredibly healthy, normal, kicking and screaming baby as soon as we can try again.

Conor and I are actually with Dave right now at a conference in Asheville at the Grove Park Inn. It's a wonderful place and I'm glad we're here. The amenities are entirely too expensive, so although I'd love a day of pampering so I don't entirely hate my body as much as I do right now, we can't afford it. (It's $55 just to walk into the spa and not even have any treatments done) Nonetheless, it's beautiful here and I'm enjoying a bit of an escape.

I just really wish I didn't have anything I felt like I had to escape from.


fingerstothebone said...

I'm so glad to see your new post. I've checked everyday, sometimes a couple of times, to see how you're doing. Hang in there, and as you know, you'll be fine again, and can try again. Best wishes.


Carroll said...

No words of wisdom from here, Anita, but still sending all possible sustaining thoughts and much love!

Julia said...

Hi Anita,
I'm glad you are back and can use your blog to vent your feelings. I've been thinking alot about you and am keeping you in my prayers.

Anonymous said...


You don't know me, but I stumbled across your blog a few years ago. I keep reading because I like the way you write and what you write about. I am another academic (and runner) mom.

I lost a baby (my first) 2 years ago around 21 weeks, he only developed half a heart. They never found a cause (didn't even know what to look for, there were no genetic problems). I also had a fever very early in pregnancy... I often wonder if there is something to that. Heart defects are so common (1% of live births) yet the range in severity is so extreme. It is frustrating not to be able to know why these things happen. I have since had a very healthy baby girl.

Well anyway I rarely comment on blogs, and probably won't again, but my heart really goes out to you and I wanted to let you know a total stranger is sending you healing thoughts from far away. I hope you can take some time for yourself and your family now that summer is here.

Anita said...

Anony and everyone else,

These comments really help me a lot. It's particularly comforting to hear that other women have been through the same thing and come out the other side, particularly with a baby.