Wednesday, August 23, 2006

More Dismal Thoughts

I wish I could be light and lively, but I just don't feel that way.

It angers me that I'm still having pg signs despite not being hopeful. (And I'm not being pessimistic here; I'm being realistic) I am completely winded when I walk up the stairs at school. I am about to puke sitting here at my desk after lunch. I have gained not a pound, but the waist on my pants and skirts are getting tighter. My boobs still hurt like a mother whenever Conor nurses.

All these, I would consider "good signs" if I didn't feel the impending D of doom approaching.

More unfun facts: Dave found a 1998 study of 2164 singleton pregnancies in which ALL of the embryos between 6 to 8 weeks with heart rates below 85 bpm suffered dismise. (That is dismal, I say) What freaks me out from that study is that even in the "good" heart rate ranges, there is still up to a 10% miscarriage rate! Even when things are Hunky Dory--you're not out of the woods yet. Only when the heart rate gets over 146 bpm between 7 and 8 weeks does the miscarriage rate drop down to between 3 and 5%. I would like to point out that 5% is still high!!!! There are no guarantees for the first 12 weeks!

Melinda's comment yesterday confirms what I think is going on: things are still happening inside me, but they are slowly demising. That explains why I'm still feeling nauseated and bfing is painful, but why I fully expect that tomorrow's ultrasound will not have good news.

I wish I could be more hopeful. I wish that I could be optimistic and have any expectation that we'll get good news. But it's too painful to hope right now. Those 20% of women who get good news have got to be in the 85-100 bpm range. They are not hanging out in the lowly 80s at nearly 7 weeks pregnant.

I just felt the need to check in and spread my doom and gloom. Go check out another blog that is happy. I'm not that one today.


KCB said...

Well, this is just the pits, Anita. Waiting to see if/when a pregnancy will fail is pure torture. I'm so sorry.

Nancy said...

I wish I could do more than send you all my good karma. I'll also send you all my strength for whatever lies ahead. Take care, Hun.

OneTiredEma said...

You go smell that sweet head of curls down the hall, and I hope it will make you feel better.


Carroll said...

I'd worry if you were sounding all bright and chipper right now, Anita. Ongoing hugs from here.