Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Bleah

I was trying to think of a more witty title, but it was requiring too much effort, and I just don't have the time or energy.

We're OK. Maybe that should have been the title.

Yes, we know there is still some hope, but that hope feels very painful to me. I keep playing with the numbers, and yes, it does sound encouraging as my good friend pointed out that there's a 1 in 5 chance that everything will be ok. (I envision a lottery among 5 women and 1 wins) I could be that one person. But I keep identifying more with the 4 other women. To hope, to really want, to expect, that I'm the one who wins and then to be disappointed hurts a lot.

I've actually made the analogy more like there are 100 women in the low heart rate lottery and 15 actually win---a completely healthy baby comes to them at the end of their nine/ten months. Although the probability is high that one of the children will have a chromosonal abnormality, which I think must be Down's.

So, anyhoo, we're expecting to be one of the 85. But even as I write that, pathetically as even I write that, I think "Am I still having pregnancy symptoms? Is that indigestion/nausea from nerves or from something still growing inside me? But why did I not have ANY indigestion from Sunday night all through Monday and I have it now!? Why was I so nauseated last night? But burping helped (!), so is that 'real' morning sickness? And what were those cramps yesterday? Was my cervix dilating getting ready for a spontaneous miscarriage? Can I even have a spontaneous miscarriage at this stage? What are my progesterone and HCG levels? Is it possible to have a spontaneous miscarriage right now or are we in the D&C stage only? And even if the baby has already experienced that bad d-word 'demise', will my hormones immediately decrease so that all pg symptoms stop or do they slowly decrease so I still feel pg even when I'm not? And WHY THE HELL is my belly popping out already? Am I just fatter than I thought or is something actually growing in there or is my body stupid and still growing even though nothing is alive in there or is it my imagination and my pants have always been this tight in my waist? And why am I thinking about all of these things when I am giving myself false hope for an event that is highly unlikely, that is not going to occur, and I need to just shut down that possibility and protect my weepy little heart especially since I tend to cry a lot in my office at work--thank god(dess) for doors. It's not going to be good news--just stop thinking about it and prepare for the worst so your heart won't be stomped on any further. Let it be an unimagined surprise if something good happens, because it's not going to happen anyway."

So there. Welcome to my world. It's sort of sucky.

5 comments:

Meryl said...

Oh, sweetie, although I dont know you my heart goes out to you. Try to stay calm (I`m sure you have heard that before) and not to worry.

I hope everything goes well. You`ll be in my prayers and thoughts.

Melinda Jahn said...

Sorry for what you're going through. I just got back from my second ultrasound. Last week my baby measured 6 wks 2 days, and this week we're up to 6 wks 4 days. The heartrate was 85, and is now 77. Sounds like the dismal road to demise, eh? I too have been reading all the "D" words on line. You know what my real sucker is? I told my kids about the baby, now I have to tell them that it's gone (or almost). They really want this baby. Anyway, take care and good luck...Melinda

Anita said...

Melinda--

I am so sorry. And I have a feeling I am in exactly the same boat as you.

Good luck to you, too.

Carroll said...

Oh geez :-(

I'm with you on preparing for the worst and being pleasantly surprised if things do turn out OK though.

But yeah, it certainly sucks.

I'm really really sorry you're in this situation, Anita -- Melinda too, for that matter.

Sad and affectionate thoughts heading your way for the duration.

OneTiredEma said...

Sorry :-(

Hugs to you.