Friday, August 03, 2007

My Butt

Continuing on a week of personal revelations, I had to go to the doctor yesterday for a truly embarrassing situation.


I know I don't need to talk about such things on my blog--I control what goes on here--but 1) it's funny and 2) every time I search Dr. Google, they only list the question and never the resolution. So I'm sharing this information to Help The World.

Ever since I've had Conor, I've had problems running. And not just the typical problems in that I can't find the time to run. I've had Poopy Problems when I run. Bloody Poopy Problems.


Now you know how I feel.

First, I noticed I couldn't wear tampons when I ran without this problem occurring. Then I noticed that if I had not completely, ahem, cleared my bowels before I ran, I'd have this problem. Now that Dave and I are training for a half marathon, I remember that if I go over a certain distance, I have this problem. Since this distance is less than 13.1 miles, I cannot adequately train for the half-marathon.

Before you start freakin' out on me, the most likely culprit is hemorrhoids.

And indeed, that is the doctor's speculation. Yes, I had to go see the doctor who won't laugh at my jokes. (This is not the same as the dermatologist with a personality deficit) I like my internist, but he does not get my humor. I cannot find the link to my previous post in which I Made This Doctor Laugh. But Dave made me promise that I would not tell him any jokes. (HA!)

How could I help it? He has to look up my butt. If somebody didn't laugh during that visit, it would be one of the most embarrassing moments of my life!

So, the joke involved whether I had a history of hemorrhoids in the past. I told him my delivery nurse pointed one out after I gave birth to Conor, but I didn't know if I had any more because I really don't look spend a lot of time looking my bottom.

A slight smile and a "Heh heh", and that was all I needed.

ANYHOO, he didn't find any big 'rhoids but gave me some medication for my booty and I've set up an appointment with what I'm assuming is a proctologist who can get a deeper look in to see if anything is going on up a bit further. (Yippee!) Can't wait for that appointment!!!

So there.

You'd be surprised how many people have this same question out there on the Internet. So, now I have done a service and provided an answer. There will be a follow up post or two on the resolution.

I'm sure you can hardly wait.


Anonymous said...

If it makes you feel better, I had internal ones that were detected during a colonoscopy at 31 and I accidentally got pregnant 2 weeks after the colonoscopy--maybe a colonoscopy is all you need to get pregnant!

Much better to have internal 'roids detected than the colon cancer I was certain that I had...


Anita said...

Bring on the colonoscopy if that is what works!!! :-)

Anonymous said...

I only know the cure for anal fissures: eat lots of dried Turkish figs. 7 or 8 or even 10 every day. Takes about 3 weeks and the fissure heals. Nothing else works. Not creams, not oils, not Metamucil, not bran, not Inulin, not anything. And not Greek figs either. Sure, it's lots of calories but fissures are equisitely painful. They tend to not want to go away....

.....and really, some of us have small bumholes. It's like anything else. Breasts, Penises, Noses, Feet. Head circumference.

Way back before I serendipitously discovered the figs (by total accident incidentally), my kids had already given me 'the talk': "Look mom, since your anal fissure isn't going away, you should make it your friend. Give it a name. Penelope Pucker-arse. Beverley Bumhole. Something like that." "Thanks kids. I'll give your idea some serious consideration."


Anita said...

That is very, very funny!

barbie2be said...

hang in there anita. the worst part of the test is the prep for it. they give you drugs for the actual test. i watched on the tv with the doctor.

Piratewench said...

You better leave another blog soon. Every time I check your blog to see if you have, I crack up seeing "My Butt." This last time I laughed and got red wine up my nose. Could mean I've had too much

barbie2be said...

Anita, i have given you an award over on my blog. :) soon as you and your bottom feel up to visiting.