Thursday, May 15, 2008

One Child Left Behind

I have been very upset by the news of the Chinese earthquake, particularly the stories of the parents who, due to the one-child policy, have lost their only child. I keep walking into daycare with wet eyes from sitting in the parking lot and listening to the sad end of the NPR stories on failed rescues. I know I should stop listening, but I also want to let my soul send out its support to those devastated parents.

As I told a friend this week, I don't have the one-child gene. This is despite the fact that many, if not most, of my friends are happy with just having one child. I really feel like there is an empty space in our family and there is a little soul is trying very hard to reach us. I actually stole that quote from the intake worker at the West Coast Clinic we are looking into. And yes, despite being all matter of fact when we were talking before, when she said that, I started to cry.

We still haven't had our debriefing meeting with the clinic here, and Dave keeps saying that we're not leaving here until we see what they are going to offer us. Nonetheless, my faith in this clinic is severely shaken. I know the success rate at the other clinic and it's going to take a lot for me not to insist that that's where we go.


Ok. That's the easy part. I feel like I need to address the brouhaha in the comments from the last post. Gabi? Honey? You might want to step off a little. I don't want to reprimand anyone and, certainly, I don't want to censor anyone. But I do want everyone to play nicely and name calling does not fall under what I deem "playing nicely."

Also, I am not going to defend my choices here. I'm just not going to do it. And as my poor mother can tell you, it's been years and years and years and years and years (and years) since anyone has successfully told me what to do. I appreciate the different opinions of the people around me. It's nice and it's often quite useful (Weick's requisite variety and all). But Dave and I get to determine what is appropriate for us and our family.

So I certainly don't want to stop people from commenting here. I do want to encourage respect for other's diversity of opinions and experiences. And I really do want to give a mini-lecture from my knowledge of computer-mediated communication (CMC), and hyperpseronsal communication and the flashbulb effect of flaming on CMC research. But instead, I'm going to go read an article I'm co-authoring on EQ and stress and then read my student's masters thesis proposal on entitativity and online technology, and wait for the rain.


Tina said...

Bleh. Don't know why people have to be s judgmental. Your life, your choices.

I can't wrap my mind around losing my only child like what is happening in China. :(

Also, I have a sneaking suspicion we know each other from CM. I recently took over the site from the previous owner and your blog was on there.

Anita said...

Hi, Tina!! Yes, I'm on CM!! :-)

Tina said...

I've been on hiatus (temporary? not sure) because, well, I've been in a bad place and am not sunshine and rainbows lately

gabi honey said...

It is a misinterpretation that I am being judgemental. Instead I am making suggestions that possibly underlying issues may need to be taken care of in order for a person to succeed at something they are attempting.

Anita, what you and your husband decide to do about your family is in truth your business. I've never implied nor stated that it was mine. I can understand that you are extremely emotionally stretched out at this time.

Because I do not write a blog, nor do I intend to reveal detailed personal information about my life (boring), I have no intention of sharing the minutiae of the extraordinary adventures I have experienced. I will just very briefly say that being pregnant while having both untreated Hashimoto's thryroiditis and malaria plus what started as a placenta praevia situation and actually managing to deliver a live child, albeit premature and 'floppy'...was a heck of a challenge. It meant beating some incredible odds. For some reason though, possibly because I was living in a third world? (developing? undeveloped?) country at the time and there was no internet and no Dr. Google, I was relatively unfreaked out. I could have died. Not that I considered that as a serious option. At the time I didn't really grasp the concept of fear of death. I still don't.

I think the way in which the fertility 'industry' in the U.S. is conducted is quite reprehensible. (Have you read the Oprah magazine article from last month about the sperm donors and the many many children with hereditary problems?) There is much manipulation of people's emotions without due diligence to ensure that the patient's general health is strong enough to actually bear a child.

Good luck.

Karen said...

You do what you gots to do. I've always appreciated that you and Dave and Conor march to the beat of your own drummer. If no one else hears the beat, that's their own loss. What it all boils down to is listening to your own heart. And it's obvious yours is very big and needs to be shared with more children. By hook or by crook it will happen.
Love you muchly!

West Coast Diva said...

Hi Anita - Like yourself I have never ever envisioned myself as being or having the "one-child gene"

In my world I was going to have four children. That's what I felt I was destined to have.

After the birth of my son I had the choice taken from me - and my son is all I get.

Some day's I am still trying to figure out how to deal with all that. I can tell you hearing people tell me:

"You should be grateful you have a child"

"Your child need a healthy mother"

"There are other women in your shoes who would kill to have a child"

Those comments cause me to cringe -- as I refuse to buy into the whole just because you have one child doesn't mean you don't deserve more.

My eyes are wet as well as I think about those parents in China who have lost their beloved children.

I am rooting for you Anita:)

Kathy said...

I just found your blog while browsing and I feel blessed to say I have not had any issues having children. I can't even imagine how you must be feeling. :( I do believe though that we have the children we are meant to have and your next ones will get here sooner or later. Have faith!

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry the IVF failed. I know it seems like it shouldn't be a big deal, but it is such a big deal. I was devestated when ours failed, just failed. I had never even dreamed of that possibility. Never. I imagined it would work and I might miscarry, but I just plain didn't plan on it not working. And I still mourned. And mourned, and mourned. I was angry. I cried and cried and cried. And cried. I hated. I wanted to pound things. And when they told us to not bother trying again with my eggs, well, devestation. And I did some more crying. So, I just want to say I'm sorry and I hope things get better sooner rather than later. Evelin