Friday, June 16, 2017

Losing Weight: What it feels like when there is less of me

I have been trying to lose weight for quite a few years.  Let's see, how old are the children?  That's how long I've been trying to get back to my pre-children, just married bod.  And that's not even my lowest weight. That's the weight I felt like I could be flexible in what I ate and still feel healthy. (I don't like to say thin.  I like to say healthy)

Pretty much, since about the age of 30, I've spent some amount of time in every 10 lb range in the 100s.  ((Some of that was when I was pg with the twins. When I was as big as the broad side of the barn))

Four years ago, when everything went to hell in a hand-basket with Bridget's lungs, I had just gotten to my healthy weight.  And I compensated for the massive stress I felt with her illness with food and alcohol.  I ended up over 2 or 3 years gaining even more weight than I had started out, starting to creep into the I-look-like-I'm-pg-with-twins-but-I'm-not.

So a friend at work started losing weight. And she was working out like a wild woman and she looked very healthy.  I decided that my "Just eat healthy food, exercise regularly, and stop obsessing with your weight" diet that hadn't done anything wasn't working.

So I jumped.

I've always lost weight on my own.  But my friend was going to clinic.  I investigated.  It is a mostly low-carb clinic.  I balked.  I am a runner.  I think low carb is bullshit.  My friend lost more weight and looked even healthier.  I took the plunge.

And now I'm about 23 lbs down officially (although I lost two lbs right before I started due to a para-influenza).  And I have about 12 more lbs to go.  ((My one counselor thinks this is too much to lose, but the PA at the clinic supports it))  I've been going for 20 weeks.  I think I have about 10+ more weeks to go.

Dang it, that's a lot of prelude to the point of this post.

1)  I'm going to a Medi Weight Loss Clinic.  They are a chain of clinics around the country.  I'm learning how to eat a bit differently.  I am not going to say I'm eating healthier, because I have *always* been a healthy eater.  But I have given up a lot of starches, which is a big change for me. But here's the thing about this clinic:  they tell me *to* eat starches because I'm a runner.  ((more on that in another post))  Starches are not evil at this place.  You do eat them, especially if you are athletic.  You just don't each as much as you did and you time them around your exercise.

2) I freaking LOVE the weekly check-in with my counselor.  It keeps me accountable.  I have accountability each week.  I have my favorite counselor that all the athletes fight over seeing.  There was a woman in front of me today who didn't get to see J and was cranky about it.  I didn't see him either and I was cranky about it.  I love J.  J knows me and knows what I can and cannot do.  This is  one of the best parts of this clinic.  Plus, with NCBCBS and I'm off most supplements, my visits don't cost me anything.  Nada.  Outstanding interactions with a great clinic counselor and I'm moving forward on my goals.

3)  Nothing has changed. Here's the weird part about losing weight.  I am happier when I try on clothes.  I have a bigger variety of clothes to choose from.  But I'm still me.  When I look at myself in the mirror, I don't see anything all that different.  There's definitely less of me.  But it's still *me*. I know I look different but I'm really exactly the same. If you haven't lost a shit ton of weight, you probably don't know what I'm talking about.  Skinny me and fat me are still and always will be ME.  Nothing internal or important or substantial changes when you lose weight.

I've done this once before and have ended up model skinny (when I was in my 30s and in the 110s.  At 5'8", that is really skinny even though I was still very muscular) So let me say this again:

Nothing internal or important or substantial changes when you lose weight.

Yes, it's easier to considered attractive by society when you are thinner.  But not a DAMN thing is different.  I really LIKE being thinner.  I certainly prefer it.  But it's not going to make any major changes to my life or my happiness or my success as a human woman.

So you better damn well like yourself wherever you are on the scale.  That is HARD.  Trust me!  I know how disgusted I felt looking in the mirror before I started. But all that *really* changes is how my clothes fit.

Funny story on how things change in my interactions with others.  We went to the minor league baseball game on Friday.  (Go Knights!!) While Dave and the kids were away getting snacks and I sat in our seats, some drunk 40 something men came by and there was a seating question.  They ended up sitting beside us, but not until one essentially asked if the rest of the people I was sitting with were pretty girls.  (I will say that there was a "too" implied but I'm not going to report that's what he actually said)  Strange dudes saying anything remotely flirty with me is so far out of my wheelhouse.  So far.  It's not near my strike-zone. ((Huh! Who knew that wheelhouse was inspired by baseball.  I thought it had something to do with boats))

ANYHOOOOOOO. My response to the question of whether the rest of my party was pretty women was a snarky, pretty sharp retort of "THEY ARE MY CHILDREN!!!"

It took my quite a few minutes and more than a few times of replaying the comments in my head to realize someone had been trying to flirt with me.  Or at least, this dude thought I had pretty women friends worth flirting with.

So, ummm,  weight loss.  Yeah. It's nice to be more societally accepted.  But it does not change a damn thing.  Except, as sociologists would say, it changes everything.

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