More Dismal Thoughts

I wish I could be light and lively, but I just don't feel that way.

It angers me that I'm still having pg signs despite not being hopeful. (And I'm not being pessimistic here; I'm being realistic) I am completely winded when I walk up the stairs at school. I am about to puke sitting here at my desk after lunch. I have gained not a pound, but the waist on my pants and skirts are getting tighter. My boobs still hurt like a mother whenever Conor nurses.

All these, I would consider "good signs" if I didn't feel the impending D of doom approaching.

More unfun facts: Dave found a 1998 study of 2164 singleton pregnancies in which ALL of the embryos between 6 to 8 weeks with heart rates below 85 bpm suffered dismise. (That is dismal, I say) What freaks me out from that study is that even in the "good" heart rate ranges, there is still up to a 10% miscarriage rate! Even when things are Hunky Dory--you're not out of the woods yet. Only when the heart rate gets over 146 bpm between 7 and 8 weeks does the miscarriage rate drop down to between 3 and 5%. I would like to point out that 5% is still high!!!! There are no guarantees for the first 12 weeks!

Melinda's comment yesterday confirms what I think is going on: things are still happening inside me, but they are slowly demising. That explains why I'm still feeling nauseated and bfing is painful, but why I fully expect that tomorrow's ultrasound will not have good news.

I wish I could be more hopeful. I wish that I could be optimistic and have any expectation that we'll get good news. But it's too painful to hope right now. Those 20% of women who get good news have got to be in the 85-100 bpm range. They are not hanging out in the lowly 80s at nearly 7 weeks pregnant.

I just felt the need to check in and spread my doom and gloom. Go check out another blog that is happy. I'm not that one today.