Bleah

I was trying to think of a more witty title, but it was requiring too much effort, and I just don't have the time or energy.

We're OK. Maybe that should have been the title.

Yes, we know there is still some hope, but that hope feels very painful to me. I keep playing with the numbers, and yes, it does sound encouraging as my good friend pointed out that there's a 1 in 5 chance that everything will be ok. (I envision a lottery among 5 women and 1 wins) I could be that one person. But I keep identifying more with the 4 other women. To hope, to really want, to expect, that I'm the one who wins and then to be disappointed hurts a lot.

I've actually made the analogy more like there are 100 women in the low heart rate lottery and 15 actually win---a completely healthy baby comes to them at the end of their nine/ten months. Although the probability is high that one of the children will have a chromosonal abnormality, which I think must be Down's.

So, anyhoo, we're expecting to be one of the 85. But even as I write that, pathetically as even I write that, I think "Am I still having pregnancy symptoms? Is that indigestion/nausea from nerves or from something still growing inside me? But why did I not have ANY indigestion from Sunday night all through Monday and I have it now!? Why was I so nauseated last night? But burping helped (!), so is that 'real' morning sickness? And what were those cramps yesterday? Was my cervix dilating getting ready for a spontaneous miscarriage? Can I even have a spontaneous miscarriage at this stage? What are my progesterone and HCG levels? Is it possible to have a spontaneous miscarriage right now or are we in the D&C stage only? And even if the baby has already experienced that bad d-word 'demise', will my hormones immediately decrease so that all pg symptoms stop or do they slowly decrease so I still feel pg even when I'm not? And WHY THE HELL is my belly popping out already? Am I just fatter than I thought or is something actually growing in there or is my body stupid and still growing even though nothing is alive in there or is it my imagination and my pants have always been this tight in my waist? And why am I thinking about all of these things when I am giving myself false hope for an event that is highly unlikely, that is not going to occur, and I need to just shut down that possibility and protect my weepy little heart especially since I tend to cry a lot in my office at work--thank god(dess) for doors. It's not going to be good news--just stop thinking about it and prepare for the worst so your heart won't be stomped on any further. Let it be an unimagined surprise if something good happens, because it's not going to happen anyway."

So there. Welcome to my world. It's sort of sucky.