Tomorrow is the D&E.
I'm not really looking forward to it (who would?!). It's also freaking me out how big the baby is. I cannot imagine what it must be like for women further along to miscarry or have a still birth. This sucks, but there is always more suck for someone else.
I got the results of the first trimester screen yesterday (I did not return their bright-and-early message on Monday morning). However, they called again yesterday and I really just wanted to get it over with. The results were relatively good. The Down's probability went from 1:34 due to my age alone to 1:170--it's still considered "at risk" but I would not have pursued it. Additionally, my Trisomy 18 probability went down to 1:6900. (No, that's not a typo) I'm going to go out on a limb and say that the baby didn't die due to a Trisomy 18 problem.
I think there was a heart defect. Maybe it came from the fever I had early in this pregnancy. Maybe it was just some sort of bad luck in the baby's genes. Maybe it just sucks.
Conor has been incredible during this time. He has been very excited about the baby in Mommy's belly and liked to talk to it and kiss my belly. I told him that the baby was sick and going to go live with Duncan (and Baby Jesus.....don't judge me! That's how we had to explain why Simba went to live with Grandma and Grandaddy, but Duncan went to live somewhere else). Anyhoo, Conor got what that meant (the baby wasn't going to live with us) and said a long "Ohhhhhhh." I told him I was sad too and he assured me that he wasn't sad. But since then, he often comes up to me to hug me and say "I make you feel better." And of course, he does.
I'm still angry, but less so and less often. A friend from my local TTC group describes the feeling as a stranger coming up to you and slapping you. It's the absolute truth. The shock, the indignation, the anger at being singled out to be hurt, it's all there in a stranger slapping me.
Now if I could find that b*tch and slap her back, I'd feel a lot better. ;-)
OK, Anita...I've been leaking considerably around the eyes on your behalf ever since I read your last post. But this..."he often comes up to me to hug me and say "I make you feel better." And of course, he does."...that totally got to me. Full-on gasping sob right here in front of the monitor. I'm so glad youhave Conor to hug on and love right now. They do have a way of getting right smack inside the hole in your heart -- not filling it, of course, but definitely making it feel better.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with the procedure tomorrow, and the recovery thereafter. You'll be in my thoughts for the furation.
Is there any chance that the fever you had was caused by human parvovirus B19? You can get anti-body titers done. If so, then it's just bad luck. (This is called Fifth Disease.)
ReplyDeleteGood question! In actuality, the fever most likely came from the raving sinus infection I had. Thanks for the suggestion. We'll see what they find out. (Conor also had 5th disease 2 years ago)
ReplyDeleteI just found your blog today. It probably doesn't help even a little to have some faceless, nameless person say that she's sorry for your loss.
ReplyDeleteBut I am very, very sorry.
I feel sick. Just sick. I have nothing helpful, insightful or wise to say. I'm sitting here completely stunned and pissed off. How utterly selfish of me. This should not be happening to you. I'm so deeply sorry that this has happened. A thousand hugs.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you, Anita. How are you doing? {{{hug}}}
ReplyDeleteKaryn
Me too! Multiply that hug "times a million" :)
ReplyDeleteI keep checking back to see if you are back to the blog.
ReplyDeleteI hope you are physically on the mend.
Hugs.