I thought I'd be over this by now

I've been thinking a lot about the miscarriage lately. I've actually been thinking about it more these last few weeks of April than I have in most of January.

I'm really bummed that I'm not pregnant. I'm supposed to be ginormous right now. I'm supposed to be on the lesser side of 8 weeks left in this pregnancy. I'm supposed to be up at night peeing and dealing with an acrobatic baby. I'm supposed to be getting ready to have my life turn topsy turvy again with the addition of this crazy crying new human being.

Instead, we're still waiting to see if we can get pregnant again. I'm sure if I was already pregnant, I wouldn't be obsessing about it so much. And obsessing is too strong of a word, but it is on my mind more than I would have expected.

I'm going to a conference at the end of this week. It's going to be my first conference leaving the boys here. And I had already gotten special permission from my doctor to fly to this conference when I was pregnant. (Before I had the miscarriage, obviously)

It's just sort of hitting me in the head again that this is not what I expected. I guess someone needs to write a book called What to Expect when You are No Longer Expecting. The cliff notes version is "you still think about it."